7/25/07 (Me to Babe)

Babe, It was wonderful getting your call today, made even better by just having received your email, and in the process of writing this email to you. So I will write what I had already written, then go from there.

Maybe what we had was my failure to understand what we were communicating to each other properly. Because, I didn’t understand that what’s happening to you was anxiety and fear of my coming down here & for you being alone in NY. Although I thought I knew about your anxiety situation, it did not occur to me that my leaving (which always was to be temporary) was going to hurt you so much. See…I always felt our relationship was solid and secure. No event, nothing, could come between us, except us. My not understanding your feelings and situation I left you under, has truly hurt you. But I did not understand your needs & fears, were different than what they were. I saw things (this is when you called) as: I had an obligation to take care of my mother, and I would return to you once that was completed. For me, WE were never in question. I thought our relationship was such, that our being apart would not hurt it.

I’m thick, yet simple. I’ve loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. You know this. Also, I’ve said to you, ‘just a phone call’ will change everything. To me, this is the ‘simple’ part, I can’t get myself to guess if you want me in your life, if you want me to move back to be with you, or anything else. I need things to be spelled out and be blunt. My being thick and stupid has hurt you, and has made things difficult for you, and maybe destroyed what we had. I have never wanted to hurt you like this. I’m sorry I’ve let you down, and made your life miserable in the process.

My next letter I’ll write about the storage place and the bank box. Thanks for the phone call. I ran to tell Luis and later Mike (my new friend about your call). Please don’t forget your pictures…
Me


7/24/07 (Babe to Me)

Hi,I definitely remember that day!!..How could I forget it. We made love in my room, went to Friday's for lunch and then to the L.I. Ducks baseball game. I know it was a very difficult decision for you to make, but a necessary one. I don't think either of us anticipated what would ultimately happen. Even Michael has said that you left so quickly he never had the chance to say good-bye. I'm happy that he still keeps very good feelings toward you. He's often said he will never forget how good you were to him especially at a time when his family situation was so sensitive.....nor will I ever forget.

Unfortunately, I think I was scared about what was to come and the anxiety of the unknown. I reacted poorly, and for that I'm sorry. I know I've said it before, however, I'm still struggling with the anxiety, although with medication it's under control. I depended on you much more than I should have in so many ways. The one thing I really couldn't handle at that time was not able to lean on you when I felt I needed you most. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying, I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining. I really want you to know that looking back now my reaction to you leaving was more out of fear. You were the only one who truly understood about my anxiety attacks and where they came from. Anyway, I certainly don't mean to dredge up the past, because you're still taking care of me more than you know. I'll talk to you more about my mother's place when I have more info. As of right now, she hasn't made afinal decision about moving....but thank you so much for thinking abut Michael. I know you always had a soft spot for him..as he does for you.

Take care of yourslf..and regards to everyone.
Me

7/19/07 (Me to Babe)

Hi Babe:
Two years ago today, I left you, after having a wonderful and memorable day with you. As I’ve said often, I have always been waiting for July 20th, 2005 to come back. I suppose at some point I must realize that that is not going to happen. It’s difficult for me, so please bear with me. Please understand that making a change in one’s life that one does not wish to happen is very difficult to accept. Maybe it will take another year, or two, or more for me to accept. Not only that we are not together, but that it may never happen. One other thing that I believe keeps me thinking it may happen is the fact that I have not completely have let go of New York. You see, I still have the 516 phone number. Still have the NY license plate (they don’t expire till October). Still have my checking account open in NY. Still have the business registered in NY. Still paying old bills from NY. And, Im still paying Realtor dues to Libor & MLS. You see, there still are a lot of ties to NY, and until I no longer have those ties, I guess I will continue to think that maybe I could return. I know it will just take time. What is that old saying: time heals all wounds? Well, I guess it’s true.

I hope at some point during the day, you may think of me and hope you may forget everything and everyone in your life right now, and just think for a minute about us, about what you and I had.

And, thanks for all the wonderful things we did on this day.
Me

7-14-07 (Me to Babe)

Hi Babe:
Two years ago today, I left you, after having a wonderful and memorable day with you. As I’ve said often, I have always been waiting for July 20th, 2005 to come back. I suppose at some point I must realize that that is not going to happen. It’s difficult for me, so please bear with me. Please understand that making a change in one’s life that one does not wish to happen is very difficult to accept. Maybe it will take another year, or two, or more for me to accept. Not only that we are not together, but that it may never happen. One other thing that I believe keeps me thinking it may happen is the fact that I have not completely have let go of New York. You see, I still have the 516 phone number. Still have the NY license plate (they don’t expire till October). Still have my checking account open in NY. Still have the business registered in NY. Still paying old bills from NY. And, Im still paying Realtor dues to Libor & MLS. You see, there still are a lot of ties to NY, and until I no longer have those ties, I guess I will continue to think that maybe I could return. I know it will just take time. What is that old saying: time heals all wounds? Well, I guess it’s true.

I hope at some point during the day, you may think of me and hope you may forget everything and everyone in your life right now, and just think for a minute about us, about what you and I had.

And, thanks for all the wonderful things we did on this day.
Me

7/14/07 (Me to Babe)

Hi Babe:
I too watched part of the ballgame because I was thinking about you, the hero, even sitting on the floor massaging your foot. But I felt very strange watching it without you, so I did not watch the whole thing. In fact, I missed all the scoring. But it’s okay. As a matter of fact, I have to tell you that I have not had a potato chip since the last time we had some at your house. As crazy as that may sound it’s the truth.

I am going to answer some of your questions here in this letter. By the way, there is no such thing as too many questions, so ask away whenever you want. Im also going to ask you as favor here, to please don’t look at this letter as me complaining. I will be stating facts as they are and it is not my intention to complain to you. Babe, I have to explain a couple of things. First about the house, then about “I hope you are enjoying life in Florida”, and lastly about “hope you are having a good life”. In a few simple words, the answer to all three is the same; EVERYTHING SUCKS!

The real estate market is very slow here as it is everywhere. I am going to finish with the house (which I will tell you in a minute) within the next two weeks and then try to sell it on my own. Since I am not working for a real estate office, I will not be able to make any commissions on the listing or selling side of it. This is why I will attempt to put it on the market and sell it as a FSBO. After a month or two, if that doesn’t work, I will be forced to list it. But I don’t see there are too many houses being sold even by realtors.

Yes the weather is what I expected it to be, very nice. In fact from October to mid May it probable rained a few times only (one of those days being Super Bowl Sunday) and since the middle of May it has rained almost everyday in the afternoon. But the rains come and go very quickly. It’s a matter of 15 minutes and the sun is out again. There is no need for raincoats, or umbrellas. However, life is a lot more than just the weather. As you know Luis is a big challenge to undertake. It is not easy taking care of him on a daily basis. And as I told you once, Julie is forgetting many things she says, or has to do, and couple that with my own forgetfulness (you must definetly must remember that) it a daily challenge. With the house I have almost emptied it all out of her furniture. All I have left is her dinning room set which I have not been able to sell. And without even realizing it (and you were correct about this) I have been living off of my mothers assets for the past several months. Since most of it is gone, I must try my best to sell the house quickly to make that final move into something I can call my own. You see Babe, I still have stuff from NY packed. Even the TV from the apartment, the computer, all my kitchen stuff, even my clothes are still packed ready for a move. I hate living like this!
I will tell you what I use for plates are the trays from Quiznos, my spoons and forks comes from Wendys, the cups I use are from McDonalds coffee. The stuff I use comes from temporary places like that. I make do. Oh, I don’t use sugar anymore, I use Splenda which I get from 7-11 in packets by the handful. Improvise is the key word. This is okay for me until something more permanent comes along. I even had the picture frames with your pictures lined up on the floor. For now, I have taken some of my mother’s things I wish to keep along with my stuff and put it in a storage place to have the house empty in order to fix things, paint it and sell it. I should be finished in the next couple of weeks since I have to strip the floor of the old wax, buff it, and finish it again. And paint the outside of the house. I have re-done the two bathrooms, the kitchen, all the walls have been painted, even the yard has been cleaned up. One of the things I am having the most difficulty in getting rid of, are the 30 oil paintings she had, which I cannot get a market value for them because the painter who is from Spain is not known in the US. And secondly is the costume jewelry she used to sell from her house. There are approximately 2500 pieces of necklaces, earrings, chains, you name it, and the price she sold them at were valued from $10 to $75 each. I have been trying to find a wholesaler to buy it completely even if it’s a $5 each, but there is no luck there either.

So, I am enjoying the weather; and fixing the house, and looking after Luis is like a full time job, but I have no life. I see myself getting very old, and slowing down, (that’s from the ‘not being with you’ part), also my elbow hurts a lot. So to answer one of your questions: no I am not having a good life here. And I say that because of what I have explained here in the letter, but also because you are not in my life. Remember I used to say, “I just want to have a normal life”. Look at how I am living now!

Now there are a couple of things I want to tell you, so you can let me know what I should do. One thing is; I have always had in my wallet a little piece of paper which has your name, your address, phone number and a small message which is there in case of an emergency, so they would contact you. I wonder if you would not want that? I also have a safe deposit box here in a bank that has you listed to have access to the box, and in it there is some of my stuff and all of my mother’s good jewelry. I wonder if you want me to change that also? I also have written, a sort of will leaving you in charge of everything I own. For you to keep or distribute as you see fit. And I also wonder if you want that responsibility? Also, I want you to know I have paid off the credit card we had under the business name, which you used your credit for, its all paid.

Lastly, I want you to know that it never was, and still is not my intention, to live here in Miami. I am looking forward to eventually being in Vegas as I always told you, except I wanted to do it with you. Once I sell my mother’s house, I will be in a position to make that move come true. Even Julie, is telling me to do what I really want to do in life. In fact, she is encouraging me not to stay here because of them. I am going to ask you for a favor. And that is to ask your mother if she ever wants to sell her place that I will buy it. I will give her anything she wants for the place. And if you want, give her my phone number or give me hers, and I will call her about this. Also, I will be willing to put it in writing in my Will, that I would leave the unit free and clear of debt to Michael if he ever chose to keep it for himself. By the way, I would be doing this for Michael, only because of how I feel about him. I would not be using this as a means to get you to be with me.

I hope you can tell from this letter that everything I have said here indicates this is a temporary stay for me. I look at it as I have a job to do in getting rid of my mothers stuff, and the house, and then be able to move on. The US is a big country, a beautiful country, and somewhere out there is where I want to be. Eventually, when Im gone, someone can just scatter my ashes somewhere so I don’t disturb anyone. I also know that what I am looking for out of the life is a place I can call my own. A place I can hang my pictures (of you), display things which will remind me of our memories we made together, get myself the big TV I always wanted, have my own furniture, and be able to feel at home someplace. I am afraid, that as far as for me is concerned, life will not be the same as having you with me. But I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart, because for the 11 years we were together, you gave me a lifetime of memories. And you shared some things with me that I cannot even describe with words. You taught me many things about life and myself, which I will always cherish. You mentioned things I have done for you in your letters, but it is I, who is grateful for the things you have done for me. I am grateful for you allowing me to do things for you, like going shopping, going on vacations, doing things around the house, and doing things for Michael & John (these gave me tremendous satisfaction). Im grateful for the life you gave me, which I did not have before. And, I am grateful, more than anything else, for giving me the reality of a dream which I cannot believe was possible for me to ever have achieved in my lifetime. For those years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For being the way you were with me, I thank you. For having loved me, I thank you.

And, as I have always said, if you ever need anything, just pick up the phone (or email, if I change my number) I will be here…
Me

6/22/07 to 7/11/07

6/22/07 (Me to Babe)
Babe:

Oh my God! Oh my God!!! I cant believe its happened again. I mean, when Im thinking about something, you write me about it. Just the day before you emailed me with the info on your mother returning to NY, I was thinking about her, and if she would ever sell me her place. You know I have always loved her place and would love to live in it. It is great news to hear that she will be nearer to you. I know how difficult things could be for you if she stayed in Vegas. Now, she is nearer, and easier for you to get to her.

I am so proud of Michael for getting himself a new car, and everything else he has accomplished. I do miss not seeing him growing into a full fledged man of the world (with women too). Good luck with it, Mike.

How was your first day at the new location? Hope the move was uneventful. Are you glad you are out of his house? It’s more of a business setting now. I wish you the best there. Maybe he will spring for a full time position, and give you benefits, paid vacation, a raise, even a split commission for the new business you get him.

As for me, I am feeling much older. Things are starting to hurt, and creak, and not work right. Have not lost any weight. Still eating crap. Finished painting the inside of the house. Now all I have left is to do the floors, and paint the outside. Then I can put it on the market. What I am trying to do is to put in a claim with the insurance company for damage which occurred during the hurricanes of 05. Believe it, they are still taking applications for those damages.

One thing I wish to do it to see the Grand Canyon, well, you know how much I have wanted to do this. Since Im slowing down, I thinking of going this year. I will not get a better chance. Want to come?

Both, Luis & Julie are now out of the hospital. But, Luis is not doing very well. His blood sugar count is well into the 400’s although Julie is watching what he eats. He is also very depressed. His doctors are trying with drugs to snap him out of this deep level of depression he has gotten himself into. This started the day he left the hospital, and the doctor there told him he needed to take better care of himself because he is killing himself. It was not just what he said, but the way he said it. He was being very crude and sarcastic, without any bedside manner whatsoever. I was here, I heard him. Since that day, Luis has been withdrawing and doesn’t care about himself.

I got you a present for your new office which I will send as soon as I can. It will come in a small box to your house. By the way, if I may ask, are you still wearing the ankle bracelet? Im asking because I see it in most of your pictures, and it means so much to me. Please let me know the either way.

Me


7/8/07 (Babe to Me)
Hi,

Thank you so much for the happy, happy- face ball!...I needed it and the cookies were really good. I'm going to take the ball to Smokey on Monday and put it on top of my desk. it will remind me to have a happy day and keep smiling.

How's everyone there? Hope all is well and Luis and Julia are doing better.and, of course, you as well.

Why did you think went away for the week? I was off for the Fourth of July only. The weather here was rainy and a little chilly, so the fireworks at Jones beach were cancelled. Johnny had some friends over and we BBQ'd. then they did fireworks at night between the spurts of rain. But it was a nice day and even nicer to have a day off in the middle of the week.

I'll email again soon. Take care of yourself and have some fun.

Me

Answer: 7/10/07 (Me to Babe)

Hi Babe:
Today I was hoping we would get a 3' hero, soda, chips, and some ranch dip, and sit together in front of your great TV, and watch the All Star game as we used to do. Let me dream, its all I want.
Glad you liked the cookies, now I can buy a box for me and try them. The smiley is so you, I had to get it to you. If someone tries to take it from you at work, dont let them, and bring it home. How is Mike doing? His new car, the job, Taco Bell, summer Hockey...How about your car? Enough questions; but I have thousand of thems. Well...Something very strange is happening to

Luis. His right index and middle finger have developed a blister (never burned himself) which is full of blood. The doctors have opened them, and he has to have it cleaned several times daily, but there seems to have no reason for them. The insurance co., is looking for a hand specialist to take him to. We'll see what develops.Are you rooting for the American or National league? I'll write soon.
Me

Her response, 7/11/07 (Babe to Me)

Hi, Well, you were right, we did get a 3' hero, chips & dip, of course. The game was pretty good too. I arrived home from work at 8:15 so I didn't miss any part of the game since it started around 8:20.

I have my smiley face ball right in front of me on my desk in the new office. It's not a bad office, Pat painted it a really nice blue color and we have a small fridge, microwave, coffee maker and TV!! It has all the comforts of home (WITHOUT THE KIDS & DIANE)!!!!! I didn't think I was going to like it, but I really do. It's a little further than the other office, but I get on Sunrise Hwy at 7:10 and I'm here by 7:20.

How are you coming along with the house? Have you put it on the market yet? I guess it's nice that you can be the listing/selling agent as well, or will it be a FSBO?.....am I asking too many questions now? sorry.

Michael is doing great in his new car. He's so happy just to have AC & power windows!!...he's never been too hard to please. He's still playing hockey 3x a week and goes out with friends on weekends and Monday night. As a matter of fact, he and I are having a Taco Bell date tonight. He's far too busy on Friday nights for his mommy anymore..I've been replaced by friends (which I'm thrilled about). I know you remember how bad I felt when he was staying in the house every night with us. I loved having him with us, but inside I felt sad that he wasn't socializing.

I'm so sorry to hear about Luis's hand. He can't get a break with his health. Hopefully soon he'll be on the mend. How about you? What's new? I hope you're enjoying life in Florida. I know I kept you here much longer than you wanted, and you were so patient with staying here. I want you to know when I look back at the years we were together, I definitely realize how much we did and how spoiled (I know you don't like when I use that word) I was. I haven't been back to the farm, they must be marking us absent there, Friday's, Price Club, the outlets, The Radisson (600 bldg??) I can never remember that dam #, and most importantly...the jelly apple store in Downtown DIsney just to name a few. I really do appreciate everything you did for not only me, but the boys and my mom.

I hope you're having a good life. I have to get back to work, I'll call and email soon. Take care of yourself.
Me