7/25/07 (Me to Babe)

Babe, It was wonderful getting your call today, made even better by just having received your email, and in the process of writing this email to you. So I will write what I had already written, then go from there.

Maybe what we had was my failure to understand what we were communicating to each other properly. Because, I didn’t understand that what’s happening to you was anxiety and fear of my coming down here & for you being alone in NY. Although I thought I knew about your anxiety situation, it did not occur to me that my leaving (which always was to be temporary) was going to hurt you so much. See…I always felt our relationship was solid and secure. No event, nothing, could come between us, except us. My not understanding your feelings and situation I left you under, has truly hurt you. But I did not understand your needs & fears, were different than what they were. I saw things (this is when you called) as: I had an obligation to take care of my mother, and I would return to you once that was completed. For me, WE were never in question. I thought our relationship was such, that our being apart would not hurt it.

I’m thick, yet simple. I’ve loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. You know this. Also, I’ve said to you, ‘just a phone call’ will change everything. To me, this is the ‘simple’ part, I can’t get myself to guess if you want me in your life, if you want me to move back to be with you, or anything else. I need things to be spelled out and be blunt. My being thick and stupid has hurt you, and has made things difficult for you, and maybe destroyed what we had. I have never wanted to hurt you like this. I’m sorry I’ve let you down, and made your life miserable in the process.

My next letter I’ll write about the storage place and the bank box. Thanks for the phone call. I ran to tell Luis and later Mike (my new friend about your call). Please don’t forget your pictures…
Me


7/24/07 (Babe to Me)

Hi,I definitely remember that day!!..How could I forget it. We made love in my room, went to Friday's for lunch and then to the L.I. Ducks baseball game. I know it was a very difficult decision for you to make, but a necessary one. I don't think either of us anticipated what would ultimately happen. Even Michael has said that you left so quickly he never had the chance to say good-bye. I'm happy that he still keeps very good feelings toward you. He's often said he will never forget how good you were to him especially at a time when his family situation was so sensitive.....nor will I ever forget.

Unfortunately, I think I was scared about what was to come and the anxiety of the unknown. I reacted poorly, and for that I'm sorry. I know I've said it before, however, I'm still struggling with the anxiety, although with medication it's under control. I depended on you much more than I should have in so many ways. The one thing I really couldn't handle at that time was not able to lean on you when I felt I needed you most. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying, I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining. I really want you to know that looking back now my reaction to you leaving was more out of fear. You were the only one who truly understood about my anxiety attacks and where they came from. Anyway, I certainly don't mean to dredge up the past, because you're still taking care of me more than you know. I'll talk to you more about my mother's place when I have more info. As of right now, she hasn't made afinal decision about moving....but thank you so much for thinking abut Michael. I know you always had a soft spot for him..as he does for you.

Take care of yourslf..and regards to everyone.
Me